Thursday, October 8, 2015


"I guess I'm selfish for wanting things to be how they were.
I guess it's wrong of me to ask you to change for me, or stay for me.
But I guess it's partly your fault since when you left, you took pieces of my heart, leaving mine broken and dying in the dark.
Paralyzed by questions and consumed by thoughts, I sunk into darkness and found myself "lost".

So before you steal another's love and promise them friendship forever think twice.
Are you prepared to fight for them, or run away and hide from them?
Or are you all ready to change your mind leaving whatever of them is left, behind?
Do you realize your actions affect so many, without you even knowing?
Do you know I still think of you daily even though your thoughts of me are empty?
Do you know I built up a brick wall strong enough to withstand even the bravest of attempts?

Around me stand good loving people who I brush away, afraid of love, I am no longer the same.
These holes in my heart I keep thinking are healed, are simply shredding apart.
Bleeding memories with each thought and I can't get it to stop.
There should be funerals when a friendship dies, at least then I might be fine.
Stuck in the land of not ever saying goodbye, keeps my wounds open and alive. 

Now this is my closure, after all, it has to be.
For you've long moved on, only I'm stuck here in the memories.
I'll be fine, not that you care, your lack of words has made that clear.
I'll keep waiting for my heart to heal.
I'll let you go, once and for all.
Yes, I'm letting go."

Written by A. Creveling

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Breathe in. Breathe out.

The carousel never stops. Life is like that. It doesn't stop to say "sorry",   "excuse me for messing up your plans" or even "hope you can handle this pile of garbage I just gave you."

I have been bitter for far too long. Bitter that my children's childhood has been stained for me. Bitter that my normal is a regular persons sick day. Bitter that my days are about choices and balance and picking and choosing what I can or CANNOT do.  Bitter that a family vacation comes with a long list of necessary items just to not end up in the hospital. Bitter that when I say "I'm ok"  I'm almost always lying and under this made-up face,  I simply wish people knew how I really felt. 

But that's not how I want to be remembered. I don't want to be the one who couldn't see the beauty surrounding me. In the funk I've so fiercely simmered in the last two days, it has left me with eyes wide open. Yes, I have limitations. Yes, I want to do more than I can. Yes, my life is different. But I am above ground and not below it. I am breathing and even though sometimes even that hurts, my heart is still beating. Despite the uncountable times this heart has been broken for whatever reason, it keeps beating. I'm taking a lesson from this heart. It just keeps going. And even though at times it lets everyone know that some things just aren't right, it doesn't give up just because it had a bad day. That's how I hope to be remembered. Not willing to ever give up and at least trying to smile through the pain. 

So for now I'll breathe in, breathe out, and enjoy the fact that I can watch my babies grow and love them until they cannot stand it. 

For in this moment, this is the carousel I'm riding. 

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Hold on.

Yesterday I jumped head first out of my protective box of careful living and took our daughter to her first ever concert. She was beyond thrilled. But it meant standing in line and in the sun for hours upon hours. We slathered on the sunscreen and I brought a blanket to sit on whenever we needed to. We saw Rachel Platten, Colbie Caillat and Christina Perri. 

To be honest, I was psyched beyond words to see in life the girl who sings "fight song". To be there and yell out to the world  "this is my fight song, take back my life song!" gave me goosebumps and still does. 

But what I took away was actually from Christina Perri, the artist I knew the least about for some strange unexplainable reason. The moment she entered the stage the energy of the crowds changed and we were suddenly awakened with our feet being moved to dance. 

Then at one point she said, "I know there's people out there going through a really hard time and even though you are here today you probably couldn't leave all your troubles behind." And then she sang her song "I believe." It nearly brought me to tears as she sang the following: 

"I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday,
And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way,
I wish that you could see your scars turnin to beauty,
I believe that today it's okay to be not okay;

Hold on, hold on

'Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are, And I have died so many times, but I am still alive."

Then, she had us, the audience sing this:
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning;
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive)

*Insert shivers there.* 

The last year of my life this disease raging my body attacked my emotional heart like nothing ever had. I had given up so many times and lost myself along the way. But despite the fact that today I can't even breathe without pain, I am holding on. This isn't the end and yes it may just be the beginning but as each day passes -some worse then others, I can say I made it through, even if I was stumbling and hurting the whole way, I still made it. 

(Picture credit : me :) ) 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Only time...

"Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose, only time

Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies, only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies, only time.

Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose
- Only time
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time"

 -Enya  "Only Time" 

I use to love that song as a teenager.... How little I appreciated the lyrics though. 
All grown up now, only time would tell who would forever remain in my life and who would have forever left it. 
Time creates unbreakable bonds, causes incurable hurt and yet, supposedly heals what can't be healed.
Time taught me endurance as I waited two long unbearably emotional days to see that we weren't  losing our baby at a mere 8 weeks along, she was just taking her time to make an appearance.
Then time kindly taught me patience &  that good things happen in time, waiting 39 long weeks to become a mother, twice. 
Time taught me that my parents will always be just that, no matter what. Always there, always supporting, always worrying, always loving me for me with no questions asked.
Time taught me over and over and over again that my husband will always be the shoulder I need to cry on and the hands always there to wipe my tears.
Time and again, he fixed "my broken" and if he couldn't fix it, he would keep on trying. 

But time has been cruel as it promises to heal all wounds. Dare I say, it doesn't heal everything. It mildly masks the pain that stays there to serve as a reminder to be careful- don't trust your heart to just anyone. It's been 12 long years and time has not yet removed my grieving for a friend that I loved as a real sister. I keep waiting, tick tock goes the clock..... It laughs at me as the seconds pass with no plans on healing my hurt anytime soon. But I'm growing tired of this chronic pain. I am finally feeling it's *time* to move on, let it go, leave it be. Be free of this hurt haunting me.