Sunday, October 29, 2017


I've had a lot of time to think lately. The few days that I've been totally down and out has left me thinking deeper and feeling harder.
To pass the time I often listen to songs of love and deep emotions. They share feelings of being totally protected and guided in life by someone. In secret as tears fall from my eyes as I imagine their feelings.

I am left with one solid thought that doesn't shift or go away, it is always there.
I want to be that for someone.
I want that so bad.

I want to be the mom that makes their babies feel like ten million dollars. That makes them feel safe and supported, warm and protected in my arms. At the same time I want them to be strong faithful girls that realize life is not going to be easy or in any way a fairy tale. And I want them to be okay with that, to take the story by the pages and don't be afraid to keep reading and keep moving forward. I want them to know there will be good days along with the bad and that they just have to keep pushing on cause eventually the rain will stop. I think I am doing okay. I feel their happiness in their lives. They know things aren't perfect and despite that they are so happy to just breathe, to laugh, to exist. And that makes me feel like I have done something right.
But then my thoughts shift to the area's in life that I seem to be failing at. To the area's that I can't seem to get right and I seem stuck at an endless red light. I wonder what do I do now, do I risk moving ahead?
But all the "what ifs" take over in my head instead.
What if they can't love you? What if you aren't enough? What if your failings are too much? What if they cannot handle who you are, so they walk?
Why do the "what ifs" of insecurities cripple us? Why do the doubts have to be so heavy and hard to bear?

I have so much love inside and yet cannot get it out or cannot show it well enough to the ones that deserve it the most. Or the ones I want to show it to seem satisfied without it.
And that's okay- but how do I become okay with it? How do I not let the insecurities of myself not take over? I feel the endless need to figure this out so I can teach my girls. I want them to be okay with rejection, to be okay with not being wanted, to know how to share the love they themselves are filled with -- without the fear of being hurt. And when they open up and feel the bitterness of hurt in return how can I teach them they'll be okay if I am still reeling from my past?  I have already seen my girl give her whole heart and had it returned back battered up. You see, not everyone shares the same commitment to people as we ourselves may.  I have a hard time understanding this. How could a fellow breathing human being be so heartless at times, how can they be so disconnected from the feeling of others, how could they be so dismissive, so okay with hurting someone else? A question I can't find an answer to and leads me to the big huge thorn covered wall that currently guards my heart. I have installed a secret door with multiple locks that I have occasionally opened up to get a taste for what's out there.

But eventually I find my way back behind my guarded wall and put up the locks.
This causes what you see today, a grown woman still crippled by her insecurities only wanting to help others, in search of giving and receiving love, just wanting to be someone's person who they want to fight for. Anyone can be someone's person, but being someone's person worth fighting for is something amazing, something beautiful.

So there it is. All my insecurities in one little blog. But what I am slowly learning is that it is OKAY to have insecurities. Hiding them and pretending they don't exist is not okay, cause how will I ever grow if I am not prepared to address them? How will I ever teach my girls how to deal with their insecurities if I am left hiding behind mine?

So if you don't like what you see, if you don't like when I show you the real me, all the raw and real emotions associated with who I am - then that's okay. Cause I am learning to love me and if you don't like who I am flaws and all then keep moving on. If you prefer a squeaky clean non-battered person than I am not your person. I am real and have felt and seen things many people have not. So if I am too much for you, that's okay.

But it's your loss.

So if you're reading this and facing similar insecurities remember this:
You are enough. You can do this. You will get there. And finally if they don't want to wait for you, it's their loss.