Braving new beginnings.

Today I came to the painful realization that some things will never change. I've been holding my breath for so long hoping the things the I've come so accustomed to would magically change for the good. I have been so wrong for so long. I have grown breathless. I can no longer keep up this internal battle.

Which means, I have to stop waiting and finally start living. I've felt trapped for so so long.

Trapped in a place that causes hurt and pain.

Trapped in a town that feels broken.

Trapped between suffering and stubbornness.

Trapped between what my heart wants to do and what my body says I can do.

Trapped between a desire to spread my wings - but not ever knowing if I can do that. Waiting ever patiently for circumstances to change and eagerly anticipating that days arrival. Yet, it hasn't come. The day isn't even in sight. Only dreams of what could be exist in this tiny town. 

So here I am, a bit broken. Beat up. Bent. Now stricken with new wounds just when I thought I was healing. I guess this is the process though right? Its not an easy one. Its not a 'one click' and you're all cleaned kind of thing. As a generally impatient kind of person this kind of "it takes time" healing process is killing me.  And any new adversity adds to my general feeling of being trapped. How do I escape this? I've always made plans. I was almost an over planner for a teenager. But it felt good, I set goals and achieved them in the order I so planned. It felt so satisfying to be in such control of my life. And now, there is no control. Well, maybe it only seems that way.

So that is it, there is my answer. I need to get control again of this beautiful thing called life. I have been kicked down but I am fighting to get back up again. I can't wait for the clouds to lift to start living. I need to live despite the clouds. Figure out new plans. Make new goals. Dream again, and maybe, even accomplish some of those dreams. I don't always have to be trapped.  Sometimes it just takes a painful reminder that I am not actually trapped. Its perspective. Its all in how much you want to make changes. Its all how you view it. Its all within you.  It is all within me.  

Everyday is a new beginning. A clean slate. A fresh start. A chance to heal the wounds that left us the day before completely broken. So today I'm starting over.

I'm still breathing, so I can do this.  And so can you.

If you are feeling broken down and battered you are not alone. But you can do this. One foot in front of the other. Keep breathing. Slow steady steps. One day at a time. Remember it won't be dark forever. 

From within the womb.

I am seeing my life change before my eyes. I've been given love on a level that shouldn't be ignored. The love that overflows from my daughters, husband, and parents is not something I could ever take for granted. Love from friends showing their support and kindness builds me up and I am eternally grateful for what they have shared with me.
But life is changing. Life on a level that is hard to put into words, but I will try.
Life that begins as a child impatiently waiting for that one particular right of passage, the sign of having finally become a woman. The thought that life could be carried inside mine was always something that filled me with such contentment. I felt whole. I could be a mother I thought. Of course this wouldn't be fulfilled until many years later but it was something I could not wait to have happen to me. And when it did with our first child, she truly made me the person I always longed to be, a mother. And for a while, a damn good mother. I was pleased with what I did with her, how hard I loved her and how I would empty my soul on her behalf.Sickness set in not long after she was born. But having a newborn made me move past whatever pain I was experiencing, because at the end of the day I saw this angelic-like-china-doll baby. She was mine, all mine and I couldn't believe it.



Life grew even richer when her sister joined the world. I feared the kind of mother I would be with another little one in tow. Juggling two is sometimes an emotional battle I still fight daily. Do I give too much attention to one and not the other? Am I kind enough to one, or too tough on the other? Up and down, around and around, life spins each day with one question leading to another. Am I a good mother to two children? I am trying, but at times I think failing. Sickness has sucked my spirit up and at times I fear, devoured it. But there are sunny days where I find out that my spirit of love is still there and fighting to get through. However, despite knowing my limitations full and well, occasional dreams of the past come bubbling forward. Dreams I have tried to extinguish on many occasions. But knowing the possibility was still there made it bearable.
And now that possibility is coming to an end.

How does a woman mourn the loss of what makes her unique? Of what makes her special amongst men who walk the earth with all their strong manliness? How does she mourn the loss that life could be carried within her? One day she bares a belly-full with another heart beating inside her and the next there's a real little person to hold onto that is breathing, crying, living, continuing the circle of life.

But then in a matter of minutes that possibility is removed and placed into a sterile silver pan just like that. Sent off for examination by a stranger and then tossed into a hazardous waste container leading to incineration. My womb. The place that cherished my babies before I even could, now destroyed. Why am I being so dramatic? After all, I already know with our current circumstances as they are,  to add another child to our family would be an unwise, unrealistic and probably irresponsible decision to make. My heart is already so full of love now, blessings and beautiful days. In being 100% real, I actually don't want another child. In fact I am straight up terrified of that happening, knowing what my limitations are right now.  But what if that feeling changed in a few years? Chance gone.
 

However, I think it's more than that. It's the strange disregard for the fist sized organ that made me a mother in the first place. It's the ripping it out and tossing it aside without so much of even a thank you. So for me...... while the Dr works to remove a part of me that now causes pain,  I'm certain as I count backwards from ten while they place the mask over my face, tears of appreciation for the 77 weeks (collectively) of precious protection it gave my babies will flow from my eyes.  

So when it's all said & done and March 1st at 11am has come and gone, I know that I am not losing what makes me a woman. I'm still me.  I am simply recreating myself. Finding myself to freedom. Finding a way to not live in fear of unnecessary pain. Not that pain will be gone from my life,  but pain that *maybe* in one area of my body, I don't have to have anymore. Sitting here not doing anything won't fix the problem. So I have to roll the dice. I may win,  I may even lose. But if I don't try I will never know. And as far as dreams go I've had the most important ones fulfilled, which was to become a mother to two beautifully different and wonderfully whimsical daughters. And for that,  I am eternally grateful.

Selfish.

"I guess I'm selfish for wanting things to be how they were.
I guess it's wrong of me to ask you to change for me, or stay for me.
But I guess it's partly your fault since when you left, you took pieces of my heart, leaving mine broken and dying in the dark. Paralyzed by questions and consumed by thoughts, I sunk into darkness and found myself "lost".



So before you steal another's love and promise them friendship forever think twice.
Are you prepared to fight for them, or run away and hide from them?
Or are you all ready to change your mind leaving whatever of them is left, behind?
Do you realize your actions affect so many, without you even knowing?
Do you know I still think of you daily even though your thoughts of me are empty?
Do you know I built up a brick wall strong enough to withstand even the bravest of attempts?


Around me stand good loving people who I brush away, afraid of love, I am no longer the same.
These holes in my heart I keep thinking are healed, are simply shredding apart.
Bleeding memories with each thought and I can't get it to stop.
There should be funerals when a friendship dies, at least then I might be fine.
Stuck in the land of not ever saying goodbye, keeps my wounds open and alive. 


Now this is my closure, after all, it has to be.
For you've long moved on, only I'm stuck here in the memories.
I'll be fine, not that you care, your lack of words has made that clear.
I'll keep waiting for my heart to heal.
I'll let you go, once and for all.
Yes, I'm letting go."





Written by A. Creveling