Hold on.

Yesterday I jumped head first out of my protective box of careful living and took our daughter to her first ever concert. She was beyond thrilled. But it meant standing in line and in the sun for hours upon hours. We slathered on the sunscreen and I brought a blanket to sit on whenever we needed to. We saw Rachel Platten, Colbie Caillat and Christina Perri. 

To be honest, I was psyched beyond words to see in life the girl who sings "fight song". To be there and yell out to the world  "this is my fight song, take back my life song!" gave me goosebumps and still does. 

But what I took away was actually from Christina Perri, the artist I knew the least about for some strange unexplainable reason. The moment she entered the stage the energy of the crowds changed and we were suddenly awakened with our feet being moved to dance. 

Then at one point she said, "I know there's people out there going through a really hard time and even though you are here today you probably couldn't leave all your troubles behind." And then she sang her song "I believe." It nearly brought me to tears as she sang the following: 

"I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday,

And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way,

I wish that you could see your scars turnin to beauty,

I believe that today it's okay to be not okay;

Hold on, hold on

'Cause I have been where you are before

And I have felt the pain of losing who you are, And I have died so many times, but I am still alive."

Then, she had us, the audience sing this:

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning;

(Hold on)

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

(Hold on (I am still alive)

*Insert shivers there.* 

The last year of my life this disease raging my body attacked my emotional heart like nothing ever had. I had given up so many times and lost myself along the way. But despite the fact that today I can't even breathe without pain, I am holding on. This isn't the end and yes it may just be the beginning but as each day passes -some worse then others, I can say I made it through, even if I was stumbling and hurting the whole way, I still made it. 

(Picture credit : me :) ) 

When the day bleeds tears.

Sometimes the darkness becomes so thick that the sunshine is left fighting in the shadows to be seen.

Sometimes my head becomes so filled with unnecessary thoughts that it pushes the relevant ones out. 

Sometimes the days are so short, leaving the nights to drag on and on. 

Sometimes the pain in my heart simply makes no sense, yet there it lives. 

Sometimes on days like today, I wake up feeling ok. As evening approaches and my fatigue is more than real, I am grasping to retain some sanity. I'm striving to hold on to the kindness my heart yearns to give, but by this time my kindness is clouded by the pain. Both in my figurative heart and in my physical body. 

The day has brought many unexpected surprises. Two little girls that are, for whatever reason, insanely needy for their mother. What is it exactly? Do they sense something? I am good at putting on a face, real good. Unless you are the one man in my life who holds the key to my heart, and the matching ring to my finger - you likely won't know anything is up if I don't want you to. But today my neck is throbbing, my head reminds me of it's presence by the random knocking pain and my elbows feel like someone is stabbing a razor sharp knife through them. Yet my babies are sucking the last bit of energy that I have out of the marrow of my bones. And I am happy to give it.  But at some point, I'm not going to have anything left to give. And that is scary. When will that point come? 

Right now I would be happy to lay face down on the ground and not move a muscle while listening to the wallflowers "one headlight" blasting in the background, so I can feel comforted by someone else's emotions poured out in the form of a song that has moved me since I was a teenager. 

But I can't. Life must go on. The smiles must be smiled, the tears forced back, and the mommy mode on in full fashion...... Well, "with one headlight." 

"There has got to be something better than in the middle" , where I am presently stuck. Stuck and sinking in the mud that is so dirty that I am left suffocating in it's lather. My insides yearn to be so much more but my body commands something else, leaving my brain to over think every possible thing. At what point will it stop tormenting me? 

Someday it will happen. Someday.