Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Breathe in. Breathe out.

The carousel never stops. Life is like that. It doesn't stop to say "sorry",   "excuse me for messing up your plans" or even "hope you can handle this pile of garbage I just gave you."

I have been bitter for far too long. Bitter that my children's childhood has been stained for me. Bitter that my normal is a regular persons sick day. Bitter that my days are about choices and balance and picking and choosing what I can or CANNOT do.  Bitter that a family vacation comes with a long list of necessary items just to not end up in the hospital. Bitter that when I say "I'm ok"  I'm almost always lying and under this made-up face,  I simply wish people knew how I really felt. 

But that's not how I want to be remembered. I don't want to be the one who couldn't see the beauty surrounding me. In the funk I've so fiercely simmered in the last two days, it has left me with eyes wide open. Yes, I have limitations. Yes, I want to do more than I can. Yes, my life is different. But I am above ground and not below it. I am breathing and even though sometimes even that hurts, my heart is still beating. Despite the uncountable times this heart has been broken for whatever reason, it keeps beating. I'm taking a lesson from this heart. It just keeps going. And even though at times it lets everyone know that some things just aren't right, it doesn't give up just because it had a bad day. That's how I hope to be remembered. Not willing to ever give up and at least trying to smile through the pain. 

So for now I'll breathe in, breathe out, and enjoy the fact that I can watch my babies grow and love them until they cannot stand it. 

For in this moment, this is the carousel I'm riding. 

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Hold on.

Yesterday I jumped head first out of my protective box of careful living and took our daughter to her first ever concert. She was beyond thrilled. But it meant standing in line and in the sun for hours upon hours. We slathered on the sunscreen and I brought a blanket to sit on whenever we needed to. We saw Rachel Platten, Colbie Caillat and Christina Perri. 

To be honest, I was psyched beyond words to see in life the girl who sings "fight song". To be there and yell out to the world  "this is my fight song, take back my life song!" gave me goosebumps and still does. 

But what I took away was actually from Christina Perri, the artist I knew the least about for some strange unexplainable reason. The moment she entered the stage the energy of the crowds changed and we were suddenly awakened with our feet being moved to dance. 

Then at one point she said, "I know there's people out there going through a really hard time and even though you are here today you probably couldn't leave all your troubles behind." And then she sang her song "I believe." It nearly brought me to tears as she sang the following: 

"I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday,
And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way,
I wish that you could see your scars turnin to beauty,
I believe that today it's okay to be not okay;

Hold on, hold on

'Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are, And I have died so many times, but I am still alive."

Then, she had us, the audience sing this:
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning;
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on (I am still alive)

*Insert shivers there.* 

The last year of my life this disease raging my body attacked my emotional heart like nothing ever had. I had given up so many times and lost myself along the way. But despite the fact that today I can't even breathe without pain, I am holding on. This isn't the end and yes it may just be the beginning but as each day passes -some worse then others, I can say I made it through, even if I was stumbling and hurting the whole way, I still made it. 

(Picture credit : me :) )