Tuesday, June 27, 2017

When motherhood meets doubts.

(Photo by Gidde Yup Images)
There are visions in my head of how life should be.
I think we all have them, the thoughts are endless really.
When we wake up we have them, before we go to bed we have them.
How is life going? Is it all I hoped it would be? What do my children think of me as their mother, as their parent? Am I all they could hope for? Am I letting them down somehow, somewhere? Is my illness ruining their life?
"I need to give them more. I need to expose them to more, show them more, let them experience more."

Is it never enough?

I know I have many shortcomings. Whether physical, or emotional, there are so many.
When my babies tell me of their endless love for me and that they would never ask for another mommy, I have at times thought to myself : "Really, but why?"

What is it that makes them so content to be with me? And then I think, how long will they feel this way? The doubts of myself are endless and ever evolving.

But I know I am not alone. 

I know there are so many other mothers out there doubting themselves too. I know they think the same thoughts. They feel the same endless worries.

So here's a letter to all the moms, including myself, who are stuck in this cycle of self-doubt and criticism.

Dear Beautiful Mothers:

I know you are so tired. You are overwhelmed with everything life has thrown at you. Life has thrown some hard balls you never saw coming. In those moments it was as if the ball hit you in the chest and you did all you could to simply keep breathing. But you did, you kept breathing, for them. You pushed on, for them. You didn't stop, for them.  

They may not understand how hard you tried for them in that moment but maybe they do. They see more than we realize. They take in every single moment, action and word. They see when you are hurting, they see when you are pushing through it pretending like everything is okay. They see it, trust me. And when you think you have been a monster for simply reacting to life, perhaps you aren't the monster you thought. Trust your children when they tell you what they think of you.

Instead of questioning their love or your abilities, for once simply listen to them. Take the kisses and promises of forever in this moment. Stop doubting everything you are and feel the love they are radiating. 

Someone taught them that love,  someone showered them with those kisses that they now return. Someone helped them feel so full inside that their little hearts are overflowing with love now. That someone was you.

There are reasons why no one else will do when they are sick, but mommy. 
Why they want you there for special moments, even if its as simple as a first swimming lesson. 
You are their comfort, you make everything better, even if you can't, they see you try.
Despite in our grown-up world everything seems to be falling apart, you are keeping their world together.
They simply cannot imagine life without you, they don't imagine it on purpose cause it stirs up within them emotions they cannot handle. 

So when they say they love you, trust it.
When they say there is no other mommy in the world they would ever want, believe it, allow yourself to feel it deep in your heart cause they mean it. 

Even if you have additional struggles like an endless health or mental condition, that will only make them soft in a world that is so incredibly hard. 

It will teach them to be kind to others cause you never know what a person is going through under their seemingly fine appearance.
It will help them to be aware of the bullies and make them strong against them, cause they've seen what you go through.  
It will make them a strong little person who will grow into a strong comforting adult. 

(Photo by Gidde Yup Images)
They won't be perfect either,
but their empathy and kindness towards others will be something beautiful to see. 

So give yourself a break. Stop doubting yourself so much. 
When your babies exclaim their love for you, take a moment to see the reasons why. 

You'll see them if you try, if you let yourself. 


Simply another loved mom