Saturday, May 16, 2015

Only time...

"Who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose, only time

Who can say why your heart sighs
As your love flies, only time
And who can say why your heart cries
When your love lies, only time.

Who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose
- Only time
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time"

 -Enya  "Only Time" 

I use to love that song as a teenager.... How little I appreciated the lyrics though. 
All grown up now, only time would tell who would forever remain in my life and who would have forever left it. 
Time creates unbreakable bonds, causes incurable hurt and yet, supposedly heals what can't be healed.
Time taught me endurance as I waited two long unbearably emotional days to see that we weren't  losing our baby at a mere 8 weeks along, she was just taking her time to make an appearance.
Then time kindly taught me patience &  that good things happen in time, waiting 39 long weeks to become a mother, twice. 
Time taught me that my parents will always be just that, no matter what. Always there, always supporting, always worrying, always loving me for me with no questions asked.
Time taught me over and over and over again that my husband will always be the shoulder I need to cry on and the hands always there to wipe my tears.
Time and again, he fixed "my broken" and if he couldn't fix it, he would keep on trying. 

But time has been cruel as it promises to heal all wounds. Dare I say, it doesn't heal everything. It mildly masks the pain that stays there to serve as a reminder to be careful- don't trust your heart to just anyone. It's been 12 long years and time has not yet removed my grieving for a friend that I loved as a real sister. I keep waiting, tick tock goes the clock..... It laughs at me as the seconds pass with no plans on healing my hurt anytime soon. But I'm growing tired of this chronic pain. I am finally feeling it's *time* to move on, let it go, leave it be. Be free of this hurt haunting me.  

But most importantly, time has made me strong, whether I really know it or not. Time has taught me that it's okay to love as hard you can even if it means getting hurt in the end. Because loving is so much better than hating and hurting. And whatever it is that I'm endlessly searching for to fill that symbolic hole in my heart, time has opened my eyes to see it already right in front of me. I am loved. My family, my babies, my husband, my parents, and my friends who love me for who I am and expect nothing else of me.
I am special to those who choose to have me in their life. I am also done fighting for spaces in places I don't belong, because before me is all I need. Time has helped me grow up. Put on my big girl panties and choose happiness over grief. I have all I need. And I'm going to hold onto the love I have with everything I am.

Today I will embrace Eskimo kisses & smushy faces and be content. 

 Be as free as a bird. Use the wings God gave you. 

Picture credit:
 clock by  r.s.beehm 

No comments:

Post a Comment