From within the womb.

I am seeing my life change before my eyes. I've been given love on a level that shouldn't be ignored. The love that overflows from my daughters, husband, and parents is not something I could ever take for granted. Love from friends showing their support and kindness builds me up and I am eternally grateful for what they have shared with me.
But life is changing. Life on a level that is hard to put into words, but I will try.
Life that begins as a child impatiently waiting for that one particular right of passage, the sign of having finally become a woman. The thought that life could be carried inside mine was always something that filled me with such contentment. I felt whole. I could be a mother I thought. Of course this wouldn't be fulfilled until many years later but it was something I could not wait to have happen to me. And when it did with our first child, she truly made me the person I always longed to be, a mother. And for a while, a damn good mother. I was pleased with what I did with her, how hard I loved her and how I would empty my soul on her behalf.Sickness set in not long after she was born. But having a newborn made me move past whatever pain I was experiencing, because at the end of the day I saw this angelic-like-china-doll baby. She was mine, all mine and I couldn't believe it.



Life grew even richer when her sister joined the world. I feared the kind of mother I would be with another little one in tow. Juggling two is sometimes an emotional battle I still fight daily. Do I give too much attention to one and not the other? Am I kind enough to one, or too tough on the other? Up and down, around and around, life spins each day with one question leading to another. Am I a good mother to two children? I am trying, but at times I think failing. Sickness has sucked my spirit up and at times I fear, devoured it. But there are sunny days where I find out that my spirit of love is still there and fighting to get through. However, despite knowing my limitations full and well, occasional dreams of the past come bubbling forward. Dreams I have tried to extinguish on many occasions. But knowing the possibility was still there made it bearable.
And now that possibility is coming to an end.

How does a woman mourn the loss of what makes her unique? Of what makes her special amongst men who walk the earth with all their strong manliness? How does she mourn the loss that life could be carried within her? One day she bares a belly-full with another heart beating inside her and the next there's a real little person to hold onto that is breathing, crying, living, continuing the circle of life.

But then in a matter of minutes that possibility is removed and placed into a sterile silver pan just like that. Sent off for examination by a stranger and then tossed into a hazardous waste container leading to incineration. My womb. The place that cherished my babies before I even could, now destroyed. Why am I being so dramatic? After all, I already know with our current circumstances as they are,  to add another child to our family would be an unwise, unrealistic and probably irresponsible decision to make. My heart is already so full of love now, blessings and beautiful days. In being 100% real, I actually don't want another child. In fact I am straight up terrified of that happening, knowing what my limitations are right now.  But what if that feeling changed in a few years? Chance gone.
 

However, I think it's more than that. It's the strange disregard for the fist sized organ that made me a mother in the first place. It's the ripping it out and tossing it aside without so much of even a thank you. So for me...... while the Dr works to remove a part of me that now causes pain,  I'm certain as I count backwards from ten while they place the mask over my face, tears of appreciation for the 77 weeks (collectively) of precious protection it gave my babies will flow from my eyes.  

So when it's all said & done and March 1st at 11am has come and gone, I know that I am not losing what makes me a woman. I'm still me.  I am simply recreating myself. Finding myself to freedom. Finding a way to not live in fear of unnecessary pain. Not that pain will be gone from my life,  but pain that *maybe* in one area of my body, I don't have to have anymore. Sitting here not doing anything won't fix the problem. So I have to roll the dice. I may win,  I may even lose. But if I don't try I will never know. And as far as dreams go I've had the most important ones fulfilled, which was to become a mother to two beautifully different and wonderfully whimsical daughters. And for that,  I am eternally grateful.

Selfish.

"I guess I'm selfish for wanting things to be how they were.
I guess it's wrong of me to ask you to change for me, or stay for me.
But I guess it's partly your fault since when you left, you took pieces of my heart, leaving mine broken and dying in the dark. Paralyzed by questions and consumed by thoughts, I sunk into darkness and found myself "lost".



So before you steal another's love and promise them friendship forever think twice.
Are you prepared to fight for them, or run away and hide from them?
Or are you all ready to change your mind leaving whatever of them is left, behind?
Do you realize your actions affect so many, without you even knowing?
Do you know I still think of you daily even though your thoughts of me are empty?
Do you know I built up a brick wall strong enough to withstand even the bravest of attempts?


Around me stand good loving people who I brush away, afraid of love, I am no longer the same.
These holes in my heart I keep thinking are healed, are simply shredding apart.
Bleeding memories with each thought and I can't get it to stop.
There should be funerals when a friendship dies, at least then I might be fine.
Stuck in the land of not ever saying goodbye, keeps my wounds open and alive. 


Now this is my closure, after all, it has to be.
For you've long moved on, only I'm stuck here in the memories.
I'll be fine, not that you care, your lack of words has made that clear.
I'll keep waiting for my heart to heal.
I'll let you go, once and for all.
Yes, I'm letting go."





Written by A. Creveling

Only time...

"Who can say where the road goes

Where the day flows, only time

And who can say if your love grows

As your heart chose, only time

Who can say why your heart sighs

As your love flies, only time

And who can say why your heart cries

When your love lies, only time.

Who can say if your love grows

As your heart chose

- Only time

And who can say where the road goes

Where the day flows, only time"

 -Enya  "Only Time" 

I use to love that song as a teenager.... How little I appreciated the lyrics though. 

All grown up now, only time would tell who would forever remain in my life and who would have forever left it. 

Time creates unbreakable bonds, causes incurable hurt and yet, supposedly heals what can't be healed.

Time taught me endurance as I waited two long unbearably emotional days to see that we weren't  losing our baby at a mere 8 weeks along, she was just taking her time to make an appearance.

Then time kindly taught me patience &  that good things happen in time, waiting 39 long weeks to become a mother, twice. 

Time taught me that my parents will always be just that, no matter what. Always there, always supporting, always worrying, always loving me for me with no questions asked.

Time taught me over and over and over again that my husband will always be the shoulder I need to cry on and the hands always there to wipe my tears.
Time and again, he fixed "my broken" and if he couldn't fix it, he would keep on trying. 

But time has been cruel as it promises to heal all wounds. Dare I say, it doesn't heal everything. It mildly masks the pain that stays there to serve as a reminder to be careful- don't trust your heart to just anyone. It's been 12 long years and time has not yet removed my grieving for a friend that I loved as a real sister. I keep waiting, tick tock goes the clock..... It laughs at me as the seconds pass with no plans on healing my hurt anytime soon. But I'm growing tired of this chronic pain. I am finally feeling it's *time* to move on, let it go, leave it be. Be free of this hurt haunting me.