Sunday, November 20, 2016

Not replaceable.

Three people. There have been three people that have come in and gone out of my life teaching me that suicide is not just a word or a tragic event that happens to someone else. Just last night I heard of another friend who succumbed to the bitter sadness of depression.
As a teenager I stopped a friend from ending her life despite the fact that we were 4 states away from each other. She thought I couldn’t stop her by the point she reached out to me. I thought otherwise and began begging 911 dispatchers to believe me. The cops were eventually sent to her house and she was taken immediately to the hospital where she was saved.
As a young newly married adult, I had made friends with someone in our ministry work who struggled deeply with dark depression and many times I arrived at her house she told me, she felt I was sent there for a reason. But after some attempts of not finding her home, my husband called me on the phone one day to tell me sweet Sherrie had passed away after her long fight with depression. I didn’t believe him. I can still hear her voice. I can still remember the odd little stories she would tell me. But mostly her voice echoes in my mind even many years later. I can't drive past her old apartment without a subtle sadness taking me over. 
And finally I woke today to a sick pit in my stomach. Hoping the news I heard last night was just a bad dream. But today it is so very real. My numb state has slowly broken down into tears and acceptance yet it's something I am fighting to accept.
A sweet gentle soul reached out to me at a moment I was struggling. Feeling totally defeated by chronic illness, this gentle soul wanted me to feel supported and simply good enough. She knew the pain I was feeling and was motivated to reach out – knowing that pain herself. She had reached out to many, many others, filling their lives with laughter and sparkle. If only I could have helped her during her darkest hour. If only. 

Please don't ever think that suicide isn't real, that it can't happen to anyone you know or love. They are hurting a hurt that cannot be put into words.
So reach out to that person you know may be struggling. Offer a hand, or a hug, or just some kind words. You never know who you might help by being a little bit kinder. You never know the battle some are quietly fighting.

You’ll never be forgotten sweet JA. You taught me no matter how much I am struggling inside to try to be the bright light for someone else. Thank you for that.
I may not be the most affectionate person you know, but I promise if you need to talk even in your darkest moment I won't judge. I've felt the feelings no one ever wants to admit.
You aren't ever alone. 

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