Braving new beginnings.

Today I came to the painful realization that some things will never change. I've been holding my breath for so long hoping the things the I've come so accustomed to would magically change for the good. I have been so wrong for so long. I have grown breathless. I can no longer keep up this internal battle.

Which means, I have to stop waiting and finally start living. I've felt trapped for so so long.

Trapped in a place that causes hurt and pain.

Trapped in a town that feels broken.

Trapped between suffering and stubbornness.

Trapped between what my heart wants to do and what my body says I can do.

Trapped between a desire to spread my wings - but not ever knowing if I can do that. Waiting ever patiently for circumstances to change and eagerly anticipating that days arrival. Yet, it hasn't come. The day isn't even in sight. Only dreams of what could be exist in this tiny town. 

So here I am, a bit broken. Beat up. Bent. Now stricken with new wounds just when I thought I was healing. I guess this is the process though right? Its not an easy one. Its not a 'one click' and you're all cleaned kind of thing. As a generally impatient kind of person this kind of "it takes time" healing process is killing me.  And any new adversity adds to my general feeling of being trapped. How do I escape this? I've always made plans. I was almost an over planner for a teenager. But it felt good, I set goals and achieved them in the order I so planned. It felt so satisfying to be in such control of my life. And now, there is no control. Well, maybe it only seems that way.

So that is it, there is my answer. I need to get control again of this beautiful thing called life. I have been kicked down but I am fighting to get back up again. I can't wait for the clouds to lift to start living. I need to live despite the clouds. Figure out new plans. Make new goals. Dream again, and maybe, even accomplish some of those dreams. I don't always have to be trapped.  Sometimes it just takes a painful reminder that I am not actually trapped. Its perspective. Its all in how much you want to make changes. Its all how you view it. Its all within you.  It is all within me.  

Everyday is a new beginning. A clean slate. A fresh start. A chance to heal the wounds that left us the day before completely broken. So today I'm starting over.

I'm still breathing, so I can do this.  And so can you.

If you are feeling broken down and battered you are not alone. But you can do this. One foot in front of the other. Keep breathing. Slow steady steps. One day at a time. Remember it won't be dark forever. 

Only time...

"Who can say where the road goes

Where the day flows, only time

And who can say if your love grows

As your heart chose, only time

Who can say why your heart sighs

As your love flies, only time

And who can say why your heart cries

When your love lies, only time.

Who can say if your love grows

As your heart chose

- Only time

And who can say where the road goes

Where the day flows, only time"

 -Enya  "Only Time" 

I use to love that song as a teenager.... How little I appreciated the lyrics though. 

All grown up now, only time would tell who would forever remain in my life and who would have forever left it. 

Time creates unbreakable bonds, causes incurable hurt and yet, supposedly heals what can't be healed.

Time taught me endurance as I waited two long unbearably emotional days to see that we weren't  losing our baby at a mere 8 weeks along, she was just taking her time to make an appearance.

Then time kindly taught me patience &  that good things happen in time, waiting 39 long weeks to become a mother, twice. 

Time taught me that my parents will always be just that, no matter what. Always there, always supporting, always worrying, always loving me for me with no questions asked.

Time taught me over and over and over again that my husband will always be the shoulder I need to cry on and the hands always there to wipe my tears.
Time and again, he fixed "my broken" and if he couldn't fix it, he would keep on trying. 

But time has been cruel as it promises to heal all wounds. Dare I say, it doesn't heal everything. It mildly masks the pain that stays there to serve as a reminder to be careful- don't trust your heart to just anyone. It's been 12 long years and time has not yet removed my grieving for a friend that I loved as a real sister. I keep waiting, tick tock goes the clock..... It laughs at me as the seconds pass with no plans on healing my hurt anytime soon. But I'm growing tired of this chronic pain. I am finally feeling it's *time* to move on, let it go, leave it be. Be free of this hurt haunting me.