Braving new beginnings.

Today I came to the painful realization that some things will never change. I've been holding my breath for so long hoping the things the I've come so accustomed to would magically change for the good. I have been so wrong for so long. I have grown breathless. I can no longer keep up this internal battle.

Which means, I have to stop waiting and finally start living. I've felt trapped for so so long.

Trapped in a place that causes hurt and pain.

Trapped in a town that feels broken.

Trapped between suffering and stubbornness.

Trapped between what my heart wants to do and what my body says I can do.

Trapped between a desire to spread my wings - but not ever knowing if I can do that. Waiting ever patiently for circumstances to change and eagerly anticipating that days arrival. Yet, it hasn't come. The day isn't even in sight. Only dreams of what could be exist in this tiny town. 

So here I am, a bit broken. Beat up. Bent. Now stricken with new wounds just when I thought I was healing. I guess this is the process though right? Its not an easy one. Its not a 'one click' and you're all cleaned kind of thing. As a generally impatient kind of person this kind of "it takes time" healing process is killing me.  And any new adversity adds to my general feeling of being trapped. How do I escape this? I've always made plans. I was almost an over planner for a teenager. But it felt good, I set goals and achieved them in the order I so planned. It felt so satisfying to be in such control of my life. And now, there is no control. Well, maybe it only seems that way.

So that is it, there is my answer. I need to get control again of this beautiful thing called life. I have been kicked down but I am fighting to get back up again. I can't wait for the clouds to lift to start living. I need to live despite the clouds. Figure out new plans. Make new goals. Dream again, and maybe, even accomplish some of those dreams. I don't always have to be trapped.  Sometimes it just takes a painful reminder that I am not actually trapped. Its perspective. Its all in how much you want to make changes. Its all how you view it. Its all within you.  It is all within me.  

Everyday is a new beginning. A clean slate. A fresh start. A chance to heal the wounds that left us the day before completely broken. So today I'm starting over.

I'm still breathing, so I can do this.  And so can you.

If you are feeling broken down and battered you are not alone. But you can do this. One foot in front of the other. Keep breathing. Slow steady steps. One day at a time. Remember it won't be dark forever. 

Hold on.

Yesterday I jumped head first out of my protective box of careful living and took our daughter to her first ever concert. She was beyond thrilled. But it meant standing in line and in the sun for hours upon hours. We slathered on the sunscreen and I brought a blanket to sit on whenever we needed to. We saw Rachel Platten, Colbie Caillat and Christina Perri. 

To be honest, I was psyched beyond words to see in life the girl who sings "fight song". To be there and yell out to the world  "this is my fight song, take back my life song!" gave me goosebumps and still does. 

But what I took away was actually from Christina Perri, the artist I knew the least about for some strange unexplainable reason. The moment she entered the stage the energy of the crowds changed and we were suddenly awakened with our feet being moved to dance. 

Then at one point she said, "I know there's people out there going through a really hard time and even though you are here today you probably couldn't leave all your troubles behind." And then she sang her song "I believe." It nearly brought me to tears as she sang the following: 

"I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday,

And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way,

I wish that you could see your scars turnin to beauty,

I believe that today it's okay to be not okay;

Hold on, hold on

'Cause I have been where you are before

And I have felt the pain of losing who you are, And I have died so many times, but I am still alive."

Then, she had us, the audience sing this:

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning;

(Hold on)

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

(Hold on (I am still alive)

*Insert shivers there.* 

The last year of my life this disease raging my body attacked my emotional heart like nothing ever had. I had given up so many times and lost myself along the way. But despite the fact that today I can't even breathe without pain, I am holding on. This isn't the end and yes it may just be the beginning but as each day passes -some worse then others, I can say I made it through, even if I was stumbling and hurting the whole way, I still made it. 

(Picture credit : me :) )