2017 taught me a lot.
As each year passes and one December comes to an end and another January begins those subtle thoughts begging for this year to be a bit calmer and better were wildly alive in my head.
2016 seemed so completely overwhelming in ways most people had utterly no idea. There was the obvious job loss, health and financial struggles, but there was much much more that not many knew about. So the internal pleading for 2017 to be better was loud and clear.
There was hope for a physical turn around, for treatments that were promising.
There was hope that things would settle down and be calm for a half a second.
There was hope that there would be a greater understanding of what was going on or that empathy would be as available as judgment was.
But what really happened is 2017 taught me that when I thought I couldn't take anymore, that I actually could.
2017 taught me that when my heart felt its heaviest that it could actually be heavier.
It taught me that it is in fact okay to cry. And near the end of the year, cry I did. I'm still waiting for those flood waters to recede.
2017 taught me that no matter how incredibly hard you try to be accepted that not everyone will approve of nor accept you. But sometimes those disapproval's are only in your mind and not in reality. I am still learning how to identify the difference.
It taught me that whether you are a fellow human being or a feathered friend, if you've touched my life somehow I'll never ever forget you.
It taught me that no one is replaceable.
It taught me that no one is replaceable.
It taught me that the broken parts of our hearts may never actually heal, we have to just keep infusing it with joy after it seeps out through those broken cracks.
It taught me that while I may be an x-ray for people's emotions, they are not for mine. So faking the smile that I do so well cause I can't let people see the hardest experience of our lives helped no one. I can't be angry at anyone except myself because they had no idea what was going on.
So with all that came the hard learned lesson that you can't help everyone, and sometimes, you can't actually help anyone and that becomes a real emotional drain.
Love conquers the pain in my heart, even if only for a moment.
Love wraps my injuries in a protective bandage.
Love quiets the crazy when I finally let it.
Love makes the beautiful and gentle magnified for me.
Love places itself on a platter and serves it to me on my darkest and sickest days.
It is always there,
In the form of two little girls.
In the form of one amazing husband.
In the family that never gives up trying, hoping, and growing.
In the form of our furbabies that become family.
In the form of our furbabies that become family.
In the friends who support and not judge, who ask the questions no one else did, who acknowledge what is going on who undoubtedly have my back.
So 2017 taught me so much. It showed me what matters.
It showed me when you think you can't go on that you actually can and you actually will.Now, as it nears fall of 2018 and I reflect on the past nine months, I'm fully aware that 2018 hasn't settled down like I begged it to. It is still loud and overwhelming and refusing to shut up....... And I kind of think that is simply life.
So it's one step in front of the other, have a cry, wipe the tears, see the stars through the darkness and "just keep swimming."
